DATING GUIDE
FOR GEEKS (v1.0.0)
BY BART OLSZEWSKI
INTRODUCTION
This guide is meant to give geeks some tips on how to attract women which aren't related to the Bearded Lady. It comes with no guarantee, and by reading further you agree that I won't be held responsible for any idiocies you commit because of it.
Also, this is not a guide to dating geeks. If you are dating a geek and/or are looking for tips on how to do it, this guide isn't for you.
If you've got suggestions, additions or comments, please send
them to bart@linuxhelp.net.
I'll be updating this guide as often as time permits.
PART 1 - HOW TO DETERMINE IF YOU'RE A GEEK
To determine if you're a geek, read the following statements and see how many apply to you. The more you check off, the bigger your geek factor.
- You're currently wearing pants which rise above your ankles when you stand up.
- Your last haircut was more than six weeks ago.
- You read slashdot daily.
- You find this funny: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Recurse." "Recurse who?" "Knock knock..."
- Your music collection hasn't been updated since Bananarama and the Ramones were in.
- You upgrade your computer more often than you go out on dates.
- j00 wr1+3 l1k3 +h1s.
- The last movie you saw was a scrambled porno on Pay-Per-View.
- When playing a RPG, you roll two dice to determine the stamina of your character's fart.
- Your idea of human contact is IRC.
- You are listed on Dogman's List Of AOL Geeks
- You don't know what antiperspirant is.
These are just sample questions. If you are a geek, you won't pick up on a trend in them - this is probably the ultimate indication that you should read this guide.
The next sections will provide you with hints on how to be less
of a geek.
PART 2 - PERSONAL HYGIENE
This section will only give you hints on how to be less of a geek. It's very unlikely that you'll get rid of the geek in you for ever - the best you can do is conceal the fact that you are one. Let's start with personal hygiene. Women dig guys who have a nice haircut, don't smell like a sweaty horse's ass on a particularly hot day, and who keep their face and body clean. Here are some tips on each of these areas:
- HAIR This is your mortal enemy. Even your favorite metal bands are getting haircuts (Metallica, Bon Jovi), so it's time for you to get one, too. Choose something short and clean. Get a bottle of hair gel. Apply it to damp hair in small amounts - you don't want to look like a walking ad for Dippity-Do.
You don't have to have short hair to look good. As long as it's nicely cut and taken care of, longer hair is fine, too.It's also a good idea to shave your face on a regular basis, or at least before going out. Short stubble makes you look like a criminal, and longer stubble makes you look like a pervert, so avoid both.
- SMELL You don't make friends by smelling like dirty underwear. A daily shower is mandatory, two or more if you sweat a lot. Invest in some antiperspirant (NOT deodorant, because you'll end up smelling like a sewer with perfume in it) and maybe even some cologne/eau de toilette. If you don't know anything about perfumes, I suggest some Calvin Klein. It's a pretty safe bet, even if you can't smell any difference between them. Just like with the gel, don't over-apply it. Perfume should be applied to the front of the neck, behind your ears and on the inside of your wrists.
- BREATH A fresh breath is preferable, but as long as you can't peel paint with it, you should be fine. Bad breath often comes from the stomach, not from your lungs, so avoid foods that contain garlic, onions or anything similar. NEVER EVER EVER mix radishes with soft drinks (be my guest if you don't believe me). If you find that breath fresheners don't do the trick, eat something and your breath should improve.
- NAILS These are probably the most ignored items in a man's life. We usually just trim and forget about them. This is a good start - they should be short and clean. You can also try to give yourself a really fast manicure - use the tip of the tiny file on your nail clipper to scratch off the skin which grows on your nails. It is usually a very thin layer located closer to the knuckle (not at the tip of the fingernail). It is useless, and only leaves little cuts (due to stretching of the skin) next to your fingernails. Not only are those cuts uncomfortable, but they also look like shit.
PART 3 - WARDROBE
This is a really complicated area and deserves another guide by itself. The only tip that I can give you is WATCH AND LEARN. Look to see what men who have no difficulty attracting women are wearing. Make a note of what they all have in common (similar materials, similar cuts, similar patterns, similar labels, etc) and then visit a department store or two. Try on each of the items, making sure the size is correct. Bring your sister or someone else who can judge better than you to get an honest opinion on the fit and match (to you and to the rest of the wardrobe) of the item.
Also, please keep in mind
that the way you dress tells a lot about you (and I'm not talking about the geek-oriented
meaning-of-colours text file
which is floating around the
internet). People judge the book by its cover when it comes to clothes, and are
correct most of the time, so look sharp.
PART 4 - MUSIC
There is no such thing as bad taste in music. It only becomes bad when it's shared with others. Most of my favorite performers don't get commercial air time, and people scratch their heads when they check my CD collection. If you've got a similar problem, or don't even have a CD collection, you can visit www.audiofind.com to download the most popular mp3s (assuming this is legal where you live).
Here's where being a geek is actually to your advantage - your computer is probably hooked up to your stereo system, so you can transfer the songs directly to tape. If you've got a CD burner, you can convert the songs to wav format and write them to a CD so you can listen to it in your car. If you're a true geek, you already have an mp3 player installed in your car.
If the stereo system in your car sounds like an alarm clock, please don't crank it up. If it sounds as if George Lucas set it up himself, feel free to broadcast your new song collection to the world.
The volume at which you're listening at depends on where you're going and who you're with. Some women don't even like to listen to music in the car. Here are a few sample situations to tell you what your volume setting should be.
- DAILY COMMUTING If you're going to work, to the video store or to out with your buddies for a pizza, set the volume to any setting you want.
- ON A DATE Keep the volume relatively low, so you can have a conversation. Remember to ask if the music's not too loud.
PART 5 - HUMAN CONTACT
Once you have your wardrobe, music and personal hygiene under control, you're ready for human contact. Here are a few things to consider:
- POSTURE Body language is something that is noticed subconsciously. If you cross your arms on your chest, for example, it shows a defensive attitude. Avoid slouching your shoulders - push out that chest and suck in the gut (which should be pretty well concealed thanks to your new wardrobe). If you shake hands, make sure your grip is firm and doesn't last an extended amount of time.
- SMILE Smiling will win you a ton of friends. You'll come across as being positive, fun and happy. Women like that.
- BE POLITE It's time to start saying please, thank you and your welcome once again. Say it to everyone, so you get into the habit. If you're in the habit of being courteous, extend it to everyone, not just to women you like. This applies to holding doors, helping carry stuff, etc.
Sometimes, during a conversation, you'll be tempted to say something that you think is funny. If the timing is right and the joke is funny, it will get a good reception. However, I don't suggest relying on one liners as a method of gaining popularity. You are bound to say one which won't quite make it...
The point of all human contact is
to sell yourself. If you have a positive attitude, are polite and funny, it will
work.
PART 6 - ASKING SOMEONE OUT
If you've managed to sell yourself, half the work of asking someone out is already done. The other half is timing your question. Your gut will tell you when the moment is right - seize it then, because you'll never know the answer if you don't ask.
The words which you use don't
really matter - a simple "Would you go out with me?" is often enough. If
you really want to butter up your target, arrive with some flowers or chose a romantic
location.
PART 7 - DATING
Dating is a great way to find out more about the woman you're interested in. Traditionally, a guy would ask a girl out by Wednesday for a date on Friday or Saturday night. The date would consist of a dinner and a movie, and would include her aunt as a chaperone.
These days, a less formal approach can be used. If you don't want to emphasize the fact that you're on a date, ask her out to do something casual, like go for coffee or ice cream, depending on the season. You can also ask her at the second-to-last minute to join you for lunch or brunch. These are all get-to-know-you type of activities. The possibilities are endless, so put your imagination in overdrive.
If both of you had a terrific time on the date, then you may consider chasing her full-time. If either or both of you were miserable, it was probably not meant to be...
PART 8 - HANDLING A RELATIONSHIP
A good relationship is based on mutual trust and understanding of the partner's needs. (God that sounds professional - maybe I've missed my calling as Dr. Laura). To understand each other, you'll need to talk - A LOT. And don't just talk about current events. Say what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what you like, what you think blows squirrels, etc. This will prevent any emotional build-ups and encourage honesty, which is needed to www.lop trust.
Sex in a relationship is a privilege, so don't abuse it. It should be a mutual decision which was discussed prior to the event in question. Most of the time, sex doesn't make the relationship any easier, or solve problems - if anything, it just adds another area to take care of in the relationship.
As your relationship grows, don't be tempted to change your life around to see your flame as much as possible. You might come off as a stalker or as an obsessed and/or deprived freak. Spend some time with your computer, with your friends, doing whatever you did before you got into a relationship.
If all goes well (and it never does), you'll both live happily for a long time. There will probably be some problems to work out, but if you get past them, more power to you.
PART 9 - BREAKING UP
A section about breaking up in a dating guide? Have I gone bananas? Not really. Sometimes the women you've been chasing for a long time turns out to be perfect (as expected) with a few minor details to work out - that's what relationships are for. However, if the woman you're dating turns out to be:
- gifted with extra limbs
- a psychopathic killer
- a man
- related to you
- any combination of the above
you may want to end the relationship. Breaking up is never easy - it's sort of like admitting you've made a mistake in your choice of woman. You may start questioning your taste, your goals and your standards.
It's also not easy on the woman who's about to be dumped. To avoid extra headaches, cut all contact for a while after breaking up. Concentrate on doing other things, like coding velcroglove.c so you can finally mount /www.sheep. On a serious note, the best way to stop thinking about her is by getting involved in whatever you were doing before you decided to spend that time on a woman.
PART 10 - FAQ
Q: Does this
guide work?
A: It does for me. I figure I must be doing something right, which
is why I'm sharing it with the rest of the geeks.
Q: Do you follow
everything in this guide?
A: No.
Q: How do I know
this guide will work for me?
A: You don't. If you did, you could open a psychic line and make a
fortune.
Q: Did you
include all your secrets in the guide?
A: If I did, you won't be seeing any updates.
PART 11 - CREDITS
A big thanks goes out all the
geeks I know for inspiring me to write this guide, to my sisters for constantly reminding
me about the things that women like, and to Dogman for compiling the list of AOL Geeks.
And that's all for now.
LAST UPDATED JULY 26, 1999
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