I have tried a few things on my own (I'm not 100% familiar with Linux, but I've tried what I knew I could without breaking my poor, retarded computer)...
I have tried enabling the sound mixer, I have tried adjusting the volume controls and preferences, and I have even toggled the BIOS to disable audio (however, as you can probably imagine, this actually disabled ALL sounds on my computer, not just the ones I wanted gone). So, basically I either get no sound on my machine at all, or I get REALLY loud sounds on my computer.
I have found a temporary solution, which is to plug my headphones into the computer headphone jack, BUT, alas, it is not a complete fix.
Anyone willing to help me defeat the evil volume beast?